Till It's Gone
by XXforget-x-me-x-notXX
Summary: No one ever really got to know the real Eric Cartman. And now it's too late. COMPLETE WITH EPILOGUE
1. Leave Out All the Rest

**Random and slightly pointless introduction:** Okay, so, the bold and italics stuff, they aren't in the story at all. Actually, all the chapters are based off songs. This one is "Leave Out All the Rest" by Linkin Park. The bold and italics parts are those lyrics. It's going to be the same thing every chapter. Why? Because I feel like it, that's why. Also, the italics, if you didn't understand that, are what Cartman writes.

And I think I was a bit emo when I wrote this. I don't know. I felt like writing something depressing.

**Warning: **The reason this is rated "teen" is because of the swearing and the suicide and stuff. Nothing too bad, but if you don't like swearing and suicide, then don't read this.

ANYWAY, if you're awesome, please review. This is my first story, so try not to kill me, okay?

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_**I dreamed I was missing...**_

I slammed the door to my room. I wasn't mad or anything, I always slam doors. I fell backwards onto my bed and sighed. I heard a soft meow and then Mr. Kitty jumped onto my stomach, purring loudly. It's really a miracle that cat can jump at all, she's so old.

_**You were so scared...**_

"Hi, kitty..." I murmured as I pet her back. She might be the only living thing that would truly miss me if I went anywhere.

_**But no one would listen...**_

The group I hung out with at school had broken into distinct pairs after middle school. Kyle and Stan, of course, anyone could see that. Then Clyde and Craig, also predictable. Timmy and Jimmy were best friends. Then there was Kenny and Tweek, for some reason. No one had even realized that they had gotten close. Token and Butters were also a bit of a weird pair, but they got along perfectly. And then Damien and Pip. Who knows how the hell THAT happened, but it did.

_**'Cause no one else cared...**_

Not me, though. I was the "odd one out." I didn't get a best friend. I guess I brought it upon myself, but still... Who doesn't want someone to tell all their secrets to, to be trusted by, and all the rest of the things that define a best friend? I never told anyone that I would've liked a best friend. They didn't need to know. I was supposed to be a loner. I wasn't supposed to give a shit about anyone but myself. God, my friends don't know me at all.

_**After my dreaming...**_

Kenny used to be my best friend. But then... who knows what happened. I was never nice to him, ever. I never TOLD him I thought of him as my best friend, except once, and then I proceeded to be an asshole. So he obviously didn't want to be my best friend. Besides, Kenny has always liked having people depend on him and Tweek needed someone. Badly. Him and his paranoia.

_**I woke with this fear...**_

I sigh and turn to the clock. Time for school. I picked the cat of my stomach and got up slowly to walk to the bus-stop.

_**What am I leaving...**_

I went over to my place next to the sign in silence. Of course, no one noticed, since they were all having too much fun.

_**When I'm done here?**_

Butters could've been my best friend, if I hadn't been such an ass to him. He tolerated me and stood by me for a really long time. But then he got sick of it and went to Token, who was sick of being left out by Craig and Clyde.

_**So if you're asking me I want you to know...**_

Kenny stole Pip's backpack and threw it to Craig. Craig caught it quickly and threw it to Stan, who sighed, and let it fall in the snow. Kenny frowned with Craig. He and Craig are really almost exactly the same. They could've been best friends. I guess they are _good_ friends. Like, if Tweek and Clyde were out of school, Kenny and Craig would hang out.

_**When my time comes...**_

Pip chuckled as Kenny went and got his backpack again. Pip had changed a lot since elementary school. If it had been back then, he would have nervously said with his thick British accent, "Oh, could you please return my backpack to me, I will need it."

_**Forget the wrong that I've done...**_

Kenny threw the backpack to Token, who caught it and threw it to Damien. Damien was leaning against a tree and wasn't paying attention. So he was caught off guard and burned to backpack to a crisp. Everyone was quiet for a second, looking at the pile of ashes in shock.

_**Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed...**_

"The son of the devil burned my homework. That's a new excuse," Pip said calmly, looking at the gray dust. Damien looked at it for a moment and just continued to lean against the tree. He didn't apologize, he never did.

_**And don't resent me...**_

Kenny and Craig laughed and went back to messing around. Kenny was jumping out at Tweek a lot, then laughing when Tweek screamed. Craig was talking and talking to Clyde, and stealing Clyde's stuff.

_**And when you're feeling empty...**_

I just stood there. By myself. As usual. Kyle looked at me briefly and flipped his long, red curls back. "Hey, Jew," I muttered.

_**Keep me in your memory...**_

He looked at me again, he could tell I wasn't happy. But he didn't give it a second thought, figuring it was something stupid. "Hey, fatass." He turned away and kept talking to Stan about their new girlfriends and other meaningless topics.

_**Leave out all the rest...**_

I'm not actually fat any more. I work out a lot now. I'm big, but it's all muscle. No one felt a need to find me a new nickname, so we stuck with fatass.

_**Leave out all the rest.**_

The bus pulled up. Finally. About time. I didn't want to keep on watching the Christmas-movie happiness of all my so-called friends without being a part of it. It was like I was disconnected.

_**Don't be afraid...**_

I took my seat on the bus. Window seat, four rows back, on the left. Of course, no one sat next to me. I didn't hope for it anymore, it was pointless anyway.

_**I've taken my beating...**_

And _she _had to take this moment to come on the bus. She was at Bebe's stop. That happened sometimes, since they were best friends. But I just wish it wasn't today. Not today.

_**I've shed, but I'm me.**_

Wendy passed by and sat behind Stan and Kyle with Bebe. Her long, shining black hair swished as she sat down and put her hands over Stan's eyes.

_**I'm strong on the surface...**_

"Guess who..." she purred softly.

"Um, the girl I'm secretly seeing behind Wendy's back?" Stan joked.

Wendy slapped him playfully and kissed his cheek. "Oh, shut up."

_**Not all the way through...**_

Then we were at South Park High. I was the first off the bus. And the rest of the day dragged on. I kept up my uncaring, hateful image, while trying to feign happiness. I didn't do it to impress anyone anymore. Now I just did it to avoid upsetting the little balance the group had. Then the last bell rang. _Finally._

_**I've never been perfect...**_

I didn't bother getting on the bus, I wasn't heading home. My mom wouldn't mind. Or care. Or even notice. I'm sure she's sleeping with some random guy right now. The dirty slut.

_**But neither have you...**_

I walked in the pharmacy store. Some guy that worked there came up to me and asked me what I wanted, and if I needed any help, blah blah blah.

_**So if you're asking me I want you to know...**_

"I want sleeping pills," I said very bluntly.

_**When my time comes...**_

I poured out all the small pills on my desk and hesitated before swallowing them. I knew what I wanted to do. I wasn't having doubts. I just figured I should probably... write to everyone, to tell them one last thing before... You know.

_**Forget the wrong that I've done...**_

I took out a piece of paper and fumbled through my desk before finding a black pen. I sighed and closed my eyes and my hand trembled a little.

_**Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed...**_

_Hey, almost everyone that knows me,_

_**And don't resent me...**_

_I'm not entirely sure what to write. Anyway, this little note here, you're going to find it next to my dead body. That's right, Eric Cartman committed suicide._

_**And when you're feeling empty... **_

_And every one of you is at fault. Not everyone, exactly. I guess I'll just write each person that caused this to happen one little note. Ok. Here goes:_

_**Keep me in your memory...**_

_Mom. Yeah, you're one of those that drove me to this. You never cared at all, did you? You just knocked some random girl up and then got stuck with me, right? Why couldn't you have let her take custody, if she wanted it? I don't care if it was Kyle's bitch of a mom, it would've been better than you! Do you know why? Because Kyle's mom didn't miss our elementary and middle school graduations, even though they were pointless and stupid. She took pictures. Even Kenny's parents, who are alcoholics and hardly knew what grade he was in, came. But you were off screwing everything that stayed still long enough. You didn't really care about me. You felt obligated to fake it. So, bye, mom. I just wonder if you'll miss me. _

_**Leave out all the rest...**_

_Stan. Okay, you pussy. So I might not have been the greatest friend. Or a good friend at all. But do you remember that one time we hung out without Kyle or Kenny? I think there might've only been one time. We took some random boat and drove it around until you- at least, I think it was you- crashed it. I felt fine not telling anyone and letting Global Warming take the blame. You, on the other hand, were overrun with guilt. Back to the point. We actually did have a memory- if only one- together. And Stan, I know I never took the time to tell you this but... You were one of my three best friends. And I sincerely liked you as one. You, of course, haven't realized that you haven't actually spoken a word to me since freshman year. But I realize that. And I hope to GOD you regret that. Because it made me realize that for all the times you said you hated me, you finally just didn't care. And that hurt more than you saying "Fuck off, fatass." Oh, one last thing, Stan. I'm in love with your girlfriend. More than you'll ever be. You two are just together for images. And I wish you could've noticed that it ate at me from the inside whenever I saw you guys kiss. Not that you would care, of course. _

_**Leave out all the rest.**_

_Kyle. Oh, God, Kyle, why do I even have to tell you why you drove me to this? You started the fat jokes, you made fun of my mom first, you were the first to hate me, you were the first to say you hated me. Even though it's been a while wince we've had one of those fights, still. I was already and unstable kid and you shot down my ego, whether you noticed or not. Oh, and this morning when I said hi to you and you said hi back, you knew something was wrong with me. But you brushed it away, right? Like it didn't matter more than whatever shit you and Stan were rambling on about? Well, think about this: if you had asked me what was wrong, I wouldn't have lied. I would've said, "I'm just thinking about how this is my last morning ever, since I'm committing suicide tonight." You might not have taken it seriously, but who knows? I might be alive. And same thing to you as what I told Stan. I did actually sincerely like you. Despite all the times I said I hated you._

_**Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well...**_

_Kenny. Ah, Kenny. Remember when you were in the hospital, that one time, about to die? I doubt you remember what I said. But I do. I said: "You know, it's funny Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always sort of been two best friends, you know, and... Well, I don't know if I ever told you this Kenny, but, um... I kinda always thought you were _my _best friend..." You then told me that I was your best friend, too. After that, neither of us ever mentioned anything about being best friends, but... I still thought of you like mine. Don't get me wrong, Kenny, I'm not at all mad that you stopped hanging out with me. I would've ditched you, too, if you were as bad of a friend as I am- or was. But, Kenny, it still hurt and I still wish you hadn't left. Then it might be Tweek who's the odd one out. Call me selfish, but I would've liked that better. So, I guess it wasn't really _you _that caused me to kill myself. It was the absence of your friendship._

_**Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself...**_

___Butters. A lot of what I just told Kenny applies to you, too. For some reason, you stuck by me a lot in elementary school and middle school. When I thought I was dead because everyone ignored me, you were the only one that talked to me. But then again, you weren't there when they decided to ignore me. But still. I think we got kind of close then. Or at least I like to think that. And when Kenny was gone for a long time, you replaced him for a while. Meaning you replaced him as my best friend. I, of course, being me, never told you this. Right now I can only remember one time you lost your temper with me. The teacher had told us to stay in that stupid pioneer place, and the teacher told you not to let go of my hand. I practically dragged you into that arcade place. You got really mad at me, that I remember. Then we fired you as our friend. So we didn't really ever get to become very close. And I regret that a lot, actually. I think we could've made good friends to each other. _

_**I can't be who you are...**_

___Tweek and Token. I hate you both. More than you know. Passionately, actually. I'm thinking about it right now, and I just realized that I hate you two more than anyone. Don't take it personally, guys, it's all jealousy. And it's not like you guys don't hate me right back. But know this: you took my two chances at having true friends. I guess I should take more blame. It is mostly my fault. But still. Tweek, Token, you two would've made good best friends, so why didn't you just leave Kenny and Butters? Maybe I'd be alive. Just because someone in this goddamn fucking stupid world would've _cared_._

_**When my time comes...**_

_Clyde and Craig, plus Damien and Pip, and Timmy and Jimmy. I know I sound like an asshole when I say this, but... The reason you have anything to do with my death is because of you're goddamn happiness. Honestly. Did you guys _ever _get in fights? Did someone ever break your heart? Do your parents care about you? Your lives were all just too damn simple! You guys are all naïve and carefree, something I never got to be. I may not be poor like Kenny, and I know it always seems like I get everything I want, but my life is way more complicated than that. My mom got me everything I asked for, but she didn't care. I'm not poor at all, but money doesn't buy happiness. And I'm not failing school, but school is pointless anyway. You six, just live your lives in your stupid, goddam giddy laughter at stupid jokes you won't remember in a week. Just stop to think every once in a while, you fucking idiots. God._

_**Forget the wrong that I've done...**_

___Wendy. Wendy... You kissed me once. And I never stopped feeling that sweet sensation on my lips after that. I just want you to know this: I love you twice as much as Stan ever did or ever will. Wendy, you're beautiful. You have that grace when you walk, you walk like you have a purpose. I saw you almost every day since you told me you had no feelings for me. And every single second I looked at you, all I felt was raw, painful love and pure agony. But I couldn't look away. You fascinate me, Wendy. And I only wish that I could've kissed you one more time. Because, although that kiss you gave me when we were kids lasted about 20 seconds, it was the best moment of my life. And I've wanted to relive it since it happened. I love you, Wendy. I wish you loved me back._

_**Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed...**_

___Now, is there anything left for me to say? I don't really think so, but this feels a little too short to be a suicide letter, don't you guys think?_

_**Don't resent me...**_

___It's sad, really, to think that I'm here, writing this letter, pouring my heart out, about to commit suicide. Yet all of you will probably care for half a second and they say, "Wait a second- this is Cartman we're feeling bad for" and then you'll just get on with your lives. I wish I could've left a bigger mark before this. But I already bought the sleeping pills and wrote a really goddamn long letter, so I don't feel like delaying this more than I already have._

_**And when you're feeling empty...**_

___Do any of you know how long I've been thinking about suicide? Probably not, no one ever noticed. I like to think I'm a good actor, but maybe it's just that no one payed enough attention to realize it. I've been thinking about suicide for about two years. Sad, right? Days and days went by in blurs, and I was just miserable. _

_**Keep me in your memory...**_

___You know, I woke up this morning, and I thought for a second. "That's it. I'm done with this, I'm done here. There's nothing left for me, I might as well go."_

_**Leave out all the rest...**_

___For about a second, I thought about running away instead of dying. But then I realized it would be too easy to force me to come back, and that would mean I wasn't really escaping at all, right? Of course, I was probably being a little full of myself. After all, who would go looking for Eric Cartman anyway?_

_**Leave out all the rest...**_

___I'm not going to ask any of you to suddenly and magically like me or anything. I just really, really hope I can leave enough of a mark on your lives so that you don't forget me._

_**Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well...**_

___Damn, that thought makes me so depressed. Not only was I hated, ignored, fought with, and a bunch of other things, but also, I can't even be remembered. I'm not _worth _remembering. And that just... hurts. Well, bye everyone. Stan, Kyle, don't lose your friendship. It's too rare and too precious, so hold onto it with your goddamn lives, okay? Damien, don't kill Pip by accident, and Pip, appreciate Damien more. Timmy, Jimmy, don't accidently join a gang again. Although that was kind of funny. Token, realize more often how lucky you are to have a friend like Butters. Butters, take Mr. Kitty for me. Kenny, depend on other people more, you have too much fucking pride. Tweek, stop depending on Kenny so much, try to stand on your own. Craig, Clyde, stop getting in so many fights at school, you _will _get expelled. And, all of you, it's senior year, so... You guys might lose touch next year. Just... try not too, okay? For me? For the fact that I've lived here all my life and no on ever really got to know me at all? _

_**Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself...**_

___Bye, everyone. Don't follow me, and don't forget me._

_Eric Cartman_

_**I can't be who you are...**_

__I looked at Mr. Kitty one last time. That cat's eyes were glowing in the darkness. It's amazing how cats can do that. I muttered somewhat of an apology to the cat as a took a handful of pills and washed them down with water. Another handful down. Until there were none left.

_**I can't be who you are...**_

__Time passed, and darkness flowed around me while the warmth fled my body. The last thing I did before death enveloped me into a cold, black sea was laugh. I was free, and nothing could change that. Nothing could ever force me to come back here. Ever.


	2. Save You

**Random and slightly pointless introduction:** Again, the bold/italics are song lyrics. This time it's "Save You" by Simple Plan. And the italics are still what Cartman wrote. This time, it's from Kenny's POV. It's not going to stay Kenny's POV, though. Next chapter, it's Kyle's POV. I like having a million different people tell the same story.

I realize that the song doesn't completely fit it. I also don't care. It took long enough to find this song.

**Warning: **The reason this is rated "teen" is because of the swearing and the suicide and stuff. Nothing too bad, but if you don't like swearing and suicide, then don't read this.

ANYWAY, if you're awesome, please review. This is my first story, so try not to kill me, okay?

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_**Take a breath**_

__"Do you know why we're here?" I murmured to Kyle.

_**I pull myself together**_

__He just shrugged. "Who knows, who cares. It's getting us out of class, isn't it?"

_**Just another step till I reach the door**_

__I smirked and ran my fingers through my thick, blond hair. "That's true."

_**You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you**_

__"The principal wants you to all come in now," the secretary said without looking up from her desk.

_**I wish that I could tell you something**_

__Every one of us hesitated, but then I just went in. I looked at the people with me: Kyle, Stan, Pip, Butters, Tweek, Clyde, Timmy, Craig, Token, Damien, Jimmy, and... Wendy, for some reason. It seemed normal that my entire group, except Cartman, who wasn't here today for some reason, would be there together. But Wendy hadn't been involved in any of our stupid stunts recently. So if we were in trouble, why was she here?

_**To take it all away**_

__I stepped into the small, and somewhat cold, room. My eyes immediately fell on Cartman's mom. She was sitting in the chair next to the principal's, in tears. Oh, _God. _We should've seen this coming. Cartman must've ratted us out for something or another. Who knows. I guess I'll live through the two weeks of detention, though. It's not like I don't get it almost every single day anyway.

_**Sometimes I wish I could save you**_

__I sat down in one of the three chairs. Damien took another, and Kyle sat in the last. Everyone else stood awkwardly. The principal looked at us grimly and shook back her red hair. "Your friend, Cartman... is dead."

_**And there're so many things that I want you to know**_

__Silence. It felt like an hour. What did she mean, Cartman's dead? Stan, as usual, was the first to speak up. "Umm, dead? W-what do you mean?"

_**I won't give up till it's over**_

__She pushed her glasses up her nose. "Mr. Marsh, Eric Cartman's body was found this morning. They found a letter, along with an empty container that was labelled sleeping pills. Cartman comitted suicide. The letter that was found has a message to each of you."

_**If it takes you forever I want you to know**_

__I stiffened and my jaw dropped. Eric Cartman. Not only _dead_, but by taking his own life. Who in the world could've predicted that? I glanced around the room, and all my friends mirrored my expression. Wendy, on the other hand, just stared at her feet, her black hair falling into her eyes.

_**When I hear your voice**_

__"Where's the letter?" Butters' voice came out quite hoarse and cracked. His blue eyes were wide with shock and disbelief.

_**Its drowning in a whisper**_

__A paper fell onto the desk. Cartman's mom had thrown it. Her eyes flew wildly between all of us. "It's all _your _fault!" she hissed, before storming out of the room and slamming the door as hard as she possibly could.

_**It's just skin and bones**_

__I picked up the piece of paper and skimmed through it until I saw my name.

_**There's nothing left to take**_

"_Kenny. Ah, Kenny. Remember when you were in the hospital, that one time, about to die? I doubt you remember what I said. But I do. I said: "You know, it's funny Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always sort of been two best friends, you know, and... Well, I don't know if I ever told you this Kenny, but, um... I kinda always thought you were _my _best friend..." You then told me that I was your best friend, too. After that, neither of us ever mentioned anything about being best friends, but... I still thought of you like mine. Don't get me wrong, Kenny, I'm not at all mad that you stopped hanging out with me. I would've ditched you, too, if you were as bad of a friend as I am- or was. But, Kenny, it still hurt and I still wish you hadn't left. Then it might be Tweek who's the odd one out. Call me selfish, but I would've liked that better. So, I guess it wasn't really _you _that caused me to kill myself. It was the absence of your friendship._"

_**And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better**_

I just gaped at it. I never even really realized he _meant it_ when he said that I was his best friend. He was always such an asshole to me. "The absence of my friendship?" What the _hell _is that supposed to mean? Couldn't he have just said something? Well, I guess Cartman isn't that open. With anyone. At all. But... I... could've stopped him. How could I have been so _stupid? _I wish I could've saved him. Why hadn't I tried harder?

_**If only I could find the answer**_

__I took a deep breath and closed my eyes slowly.

_**To help me understand**_

__I could feel Craig looking at me with impatience. "We want to read, too," he said sharply, but his brown eyes were uneasy.

_**Sometimes I wish I could save you**_

__"Read it out loud, Kenny, I don't want to see it," Stan said softly. I looked over at him. He was looking down and one tear had slipped down his cheek. Figures he'd be the first to cry. He'd always been the sweet, sensitive, caring one. That's why he got the most girls out of all of us.

_**And there're so many things that I want you to know**_

__Butters nodded in agreement. "I-I'd rather hear Kenny say it then read it myself."

_**I wont give up till it's over**_

__I shrugged. I didn't really want to read it to everyone, but I guess I'd have to. "Okay. Hear goes:

"_Hey, almost everyone that knows me,_

_I'm not entirely sure what to write. Anyway, this little note here, you're going to find it next to my dead body. That's right, Eric Cartman committed suicide._

_And every one of you is at fault. Not everyone, exactly. I guess I'll just write each person that caused this to happen one little note. Ok. Here goes:"_

_**If it takes you forever I want you to know**_

__I paused a second. I didn't really see how most of us were at fault. Kyle, I could see that. I had already read mine, so I knew how I was at fault. And Stan, I'm sure. But other than his three oldest friends, I couldn't understand how the others were to blame. For example, he and Clyde spoke about three times ever.

_**That if you fall, stumble down**_

__I saw the word 'mom' on the paper and didn't read any further. "Should I skip the part he wrote to his mom?" I mumbled. It wasn't that I thought it would be boring or anything. I just felt like we would be invading their private mother-son relationship or something along the lines of that.

_**I'll pick you up off the ground**_

__There were a few scattered "yeah"s and several people nodded their heads. "Okay. I'll skip it. Now where does it end... Oh, here it is:

"_Stan._" The raven-haired boy looked up quickly at the sound of his name, his dark blue eyes widening in half guilt, half sadness. He obviously didn't want to hear why it was his fault. But I continued anyway. "_Okay, you pussy. So I might not have been the greatest friend. Or a good friend at all. But do you remember that one time we hung out without Kyle or Kenny? I think there might've only been one time. We took some random boat and drove it around until you- at least, I think it was you- crashed it._"

_**If you lose faith in you**_

__Stan smiled half-heartedly. "I remember that."

_**I'll give you strength to pull through**_

I glanced at him to make sure he wasn't going to have a breakdown. Several tears were going down his cheeks, but nothing un-Stan like. "_I felt fine not telling anyone and letting Global Warming take the blame. You, on the other hand, were overrun with guilt. Back to the point. We actually did have a memory- if only one- together. And Stan, I know I never took the time to tell you this but... You were one of my three best friends. And I sincerely liked you as one. You, of course, haven't realized that you haven't actually spoken a word to me since freshman year. But I realize that. And I hope to GOD you regret that. Because it made me realize that for all the times you said you hated me, you finally just didn't care." _

_**Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall**_

__"I did care..." he mumbled, and I knew that me and Kyle were the only ones that could understand what he said.

_**Oh you know I'll be there for you**_

I kept going. "_And that hurt more than you saying "Fuck off, fatass." Oh, one last thing, Stan. I'm in-_" I broke off in shock.My jaw dropped. _What _did he just write?

_**If only I could find the answer**_

"Oh, dammit, Kenny, what is it?" Kyle said.

_**To take it all away**_

__"Just read it, Kenny," Token sighed.

_**Sometimes I wish I could save you**_

Wendy looked at the ceiling. "I still don't know why I'm here."

_**And there're so many things that I want you to know**_

I sighed. "Well, you're about to know why. Where was I? Oh right.

_"I'm in love with your girlfriend. More than you'll ever be. You two are just together for images. And I wish you could've noticed that it ate at me from the inside whenever I saw you guys kiss. Not that you would care, of course."_

_**I wont give up till it's over**_

Everyone turned to Stan and Wendy, whose eyes were wide with surprise. They were very silent for what seemed like hours. Who knows how long we all stood there. Stan had stopped crying, but his cheeks were still tear-stained. He finally spoke up. "Why didn't he ever _tell me_ all this?"

_**If it takes you forever I want you to know**_

"He... was... in love with me?" Wendy said softly and slowly. "But..."

_**I wish I could save you**_

I held up my hand. "Wendy, you have your own section, we'll get to that later." A long silence.

_**I want you to know**_

"Keep going, Kenny," Kyle pressed. He tugged on a lock of his curly, red hair.

_**I wish I could save you **_

__"Alright. Next person," I paused. "_Kyle._" He winced and squeezed his forest-green eyes shut.


	3. Pain

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **I'm kind of mean to poor Kyle... This is going to ruin a very small detail, but I basically made he and his mom be the entire family. It has nothing to do with this story, but I felt a need to be mean to characters besides the one I killed. So I targeted Kyle for no reason whatsoever. Aren't I nice to fictional people?

And about the song I chose for him... Truly no real point. But it's a good song, I like it. That one line: "Anger and agony are better than misery." I like it. Wow, I think I have ADD or something. Why am I still writing the introduction? I don't know. Why am I answering my question? Because I'm weird and crazy, that's why.

**Warning: **The reason this is rated "teen" is because of the swearing and the suicide and stuff. Nothing too bad, but if you don't like swearing and suicide, then don't read this.

ANYWAY, if you're awesome, please review. This is my first story, so try not to kill me, okay?

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_**Pain, without love**_

I squeezed my eyes shut when I heard Kenny say my name. _Oh God. _I don't want to hear this, I really don't. I don't want to know why I killed Eric. I really just don't want to know, I don't. But I can't bring myself to tell Kenny to stop reading.

_**Pain, I can't get enough**_

Kenny looked at me through his narrowed, piercing blue eyes. He sighed and looked back at the paper.

_**Pain, I like it rough**_

"_Kyle. __Oh, God, Kyle, why do I even have to tell you why you drove me to this? You started the fat jokes, you made fun of my mom first, you were the first to hate me, you were the first to say you hated me. Even though it's been a while since we've had one of those fights, still. I was already and unstable kid and you shot down my ego, whether you noticed or not."_

_**'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all **_

I opened my eyes. So does that mean _I'm _most at fault here? Come on, as if he didn't get his fair share of insulting me. I dug my thumbnail into my index finger. I always did that when I was nervous, annoyed, or sad, and right now I was a little bit of all three. I could feel most eyes on me. And I fucking hated it.

_**You're sick of feeling numb**_

"_Oh, and this morning when I said hi to you and you said hi back, you knew something was wrong with me. But you brushed it away, right? Like it didn't matter more than whatever shit you and Stan were rambling on about? Well, think about this: if you had asked me what was wrong, I wouldn't have lied. I would've said, "I'm just thinking about how this is my last morning ever, since I'm committing suicide tonight." You might not have taken it seriously, but who knows? I might be alive." _

_**You're not the only one**_

_What?_ Yesterday... He looked sad... And I almost... I almost asked him what was wrong. But... I just thought... "Oh, it's Cartman, it can't be anything too bad..." Shit, I'm such a stupid asshole. I could've saved him. So it's all my fault that he's dead. It's _all my fault. _I hate myself.

_**I'll take you by the hand**_

My head fell into my hands. They should put me in jail. I killed Eric Cartman. I killed him. I killed him. I deserve to die. I should've died instead of him. Guilt tore at my heart and tears flowed down. "What the fuck is _wrong _with me..." I muttered.

_**And I'll show you a world that you can understand**_

Stan's trembling hand fell on my shoulder comfortingly, and Kenny looked at me. "Do you want me to keep going?"

_**This life is filled with hurt**_

No, I didn't want him to keep going. But at this point, I deserve the pain. "Yeah... Yeah, Kenny, keep reading," I whispered.

_**When happiness doesn't work**_

He examined me for a second and kept reading. _"And same thing to you as what I told Stan. I did actually sincerely like you. Despite all the times I said I hated you."_

_**Trust me and take my hand**_

"Fuck..." I said slowly. I get up sharply and walk out of the room. No way am I going to keep listening to Cartman's last words. I just can't.

_**When the lights go out, you'll understand**_

I fled to Starks Pond, as always. When Ike disappeared and I realized I couldn't find him, this is where I came. When Stan got hit by a car and no one knew if he would survive, this is where I came. When my dad died, this is where I came. And now when Cartman committed suicide and I found out that it's my fault.

_**Pain, without love**_

"Hey, Kyle," a voice said.

_**Pain, I can't get enough**_

I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. "Hi, Stan."

_**Pain, I like it rough**_

"So Kenny, Craig, and Token are also looking for you," he said, sitting down next to me on the bench. I could feel his dark blue eyes staring at me.

_**'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all**_

"You guys should just finish reading the letter without me," I mumbled, shoving my hands into my pockets. "I don't want to hear it."

_**Pain, without love**_

"Dude, don't you at least want to know what shit he says to everyone else?" Stan said desperately.

_**Pain, I can't get enough**_

I sighed. "You just want me to come back so you have a shoulder to sob on."

_**Pain, I like it rough**_

Stan grinned. "Yeah, basically. Are you gonna deny me my shoulder?"

_**'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all**_

I gave a soft laugh. "I guess not..." So he and I walked back to school, and back to the principal's office.

_**Anger and agony are better than misery**_

"About time you guys got back," Clyde grumbled. "We started to think maybe you and Stan were like fucking in the grass or something."

_**Trust me, I've got a plan**_

I punched his arm. "Kenny, keep reading, let's just get this over with."

_**When the light go off, you'll understand**_

Kenny picked up the letter again. He swallowed before he kept reading.

_**Pain, without love**_

"_Kenny. Ah, Kenny. Remember when you were in the hospital, that one time, about to die? I doubt you remember what I said. But I do. I said: "You know, it's funny Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always sort of been two best friends, you know, and... Well, I don't know if I ever told you this Kenny, but, um... I kinda always thought you were _my-"

_**Pain, I can't get enough**_

The blonde broke off and dropped the letter when he crumbled into his hands. His hands were on his knees, face up, and his head was in his hands. The only sound in the room was his very uneven breathing.

_**Pain, I like it rough**_

Tweek and Butters put their hands on Kenny's shaking shoulders.

_**'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all**_

Kenny leaned up slightly and Butters looked at him. "Do you want me to read it instead, Kenny?" he said softly.

_**Pain, without love**_

Kenny shook his head and smiled half-heartedly. "I'll be fine, Butters. Thanks."

_**Pain, I can't get enough**_

I've noticed that about Kenny before. He never wants to admit weakness, he never wants to have help, and he never wants people to pity him. He's always been the one everyone can depend on with anything at all. It occurred to me a while ago that he never depends on anyone but himself. People offer to help him a lot, and he _never _let's them. I bet if he was bleeding and dying on the side of a road and someone offered to help, he'd smile and say he has everything under control.

_**Pain, I like it rough**_

"_I kinda always thought you were _my _best friend..." You then told me that I was your best friend, too. After that, neither of us ever mentioned anything about being best friends, but... I still thought of you like mine. Don't get me wrong, Kenny, I'm not at all mad that you stopped hanging out with me. I would've ditched you, too, if you were as bad of a friend as I am- or was. But, Kenny, it still hurt and I still wish you hadn't left. Then it might be Tweek who's the odd one out. Call me selfish, but I would've liked that better. So, I guess it wasn't really _you _that caused me to kill myself. It was the absence of your friendship."_

_**'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing**_

Kenny closed his sky blue eyes and took a deep breath. He ran his finger through his blond hair and on tear escaped through his dark eyelashes.

_**Rather feel pain!**_

"Okay, um, next person..." he paused.

_**I know, I know, I know, I know**_

"_Butters." _Kenny, along with almost everyone else looked at Butters. He looked at Kenny with his wide, blue eyes and messy white-blond hair.

_**I know that you're wounded**_

When Butters didn't say anything, Kenny continued. _"__A lot of what I just told Kenny applies to you, too. For some reason, you stuck by me a lot in elementary school and middle school. When I thought I was dead because everyone ignored me, you were the only one that talked to me. But then again, you weren't there when they decided to ignore me. But still. I think we got kind of close then. Or at least I like to think that."_

_**You know, you know, you know, you know**_

Butters' lip trembled. "I... I though he hated me..."

_**That I'm here to save you**_

"_And when Kenny was gone for a long time, you replaced him for a while. Meaning you replaced him as my best friend._" Kenny paused and frowned for a second. He obviously didn't like the idea of being replaced. Of course, that all happened when we were young and Kenny would die every other day. "_I, of course, being me, never told you this. Right now I can only remember one time you lost your temper with me. The teacher had told us to stay in that stupid pioneer place, and the teacher told you not to let go of my hand. I practically dragged you into that arcade place. You got really mad at me, that I remember. Then we fired you as our friend. So we didn't really ever get to become very close. And I regret that a lot, actually. I think we could've made good friends to each other."_

_**You know, you know, you know, you know**_

Butters started openly bawling. He wiped tear after tear and choked on his emotion. Token looked slightly worried and handed Butters a box of tissues. Butters grabbed it and pulled out a tissue, but he didn't use it. His shirt was now partially wet and he was coughing, while still sobbing.

_**I'm always here for you**_

Kenny leaned over and hugged Butters. "Calm down, it's okay, Butters," Kenny said softly. I think I realize why Kenny doesn't ever want any help. Why he wants to be so independent. I bet it's because of people like Butters and Tweek. He _knows_ he's strong enough for all of them, and he could care less about whether he's strong enough for them _and himself. _God, he's such a fucking idiot and he has way too much pride for his own good.

_**I know, I know, I know, I know**_

Butters finally stopped crying, but his eyes were red and puffy and he kept sniffing.

_**That you'll thank me later**_

Kenny looked back down at the paper. His eyes drifted down it. "Ah, there we are..."

_**Pain, without love**_

"_Tweek and Token._" Token straightened up and his interest quickened. Tweek closed his eyes and took a very long sip of his strong, black coffee.

_**Pain, I can't get enough**_

Kenny frowned before he continued reading. "_I hate you both. More than you know. Passionately, actually. I'm thinking about it right now, and I just realized that I hate you two more than anyone. Don't take it personally, guys, it's all jealousy. And it's not like you guys don't hate me right back. But know this: you took my two chances at having true friends. I guess I should take more blame. It is mostly my fault. But still. Tweek, Token, you two would've made good best friends, so why didn't you just leave Kenny and Butters? Maybe I'd be alive. Just because someone in this goddamn fucking stupid world would've _cared_._

_**Pain, I like it rough**_

Tweek looked scared and mildly hurt. He didn't say anything, just took several sips of his coffee and muttered to himself. Probably saying that he could've saved Eric Cartman, but didn't. That's what we were all saying. We could've saved him. Instead, we insulted him, ignored him, got irritated by his presence. Man, we were so fucking stupid.

_**'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all**_

Token got up and punched the wall as hard as he could. Which was really hard, considering the fact that there's now a crack in the wall. "What a fucking bastard!" Token yelled. He punched the wall in a different place and left another crack.

_**Pain, without love**_

Kenny calmly put the paper down and got up. He held onto Token's arm before Token could punch anything again. "Calm down, Token."

_**Pain, I can't get enough**_

Token's hand went limp in Kenny's grasp and he sighed. Token's face came back into view and- of course- there were tears. Token collapsed onto his chair and didn't say anything more.

_**Pain, I like it rough**_

"Keep reading," Wendy urged.

_**'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all**_

Kenny nodded and picked the letter back up. "_Clyde and Craig, plus Damien and Pip, and Timmy and Jimmy." _They all look up. Clyde had a pained I-just-want-to-get-this-over-with expression. Craig had a oh-God-I-don't-want-to-fucking-hear-this expression. Damien had no expression and Pip looked like he felt really guilty. Timmy covered his face with his hands, so I couldn't see his expression. Jimmy looked dead.

_**Pain, without love **_

"_I know I sound like an asshole when I say this, but... The reason you have anything to do with my death is because of you're goddamn happiness. Honestly. Did you guys _ever _get in fights? Did someone ever break your heart? Do your parents care about you? Your lives were all just too damn simple! You guys are all naïve and carefree, something I never got to be. I may not be poor like Kenny, and I know it always seems like I get everything I want, but my life is way more complicated than that. My mom got me everything I asked for, but she didn't care. I'm not poor at all, but money doesn't buy happiness. And I'm not failing school, but school is pointless anyway. You six, just live your lives in your stupid, goddam giddy laughter at stupid jokes you won't remember in a week. Just stop to think every once in a while, you fucking idiots. God."_

_**Pain, I can't get enough**_

They all looked speechless, except for Damien, who sighed. "Who said I was happy? This doesn't apply to me."

_**Pain, I like it rough**_

Pip looked at him. "Don't kill yourself."

_**'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all**_

"I can't, I'm immortal," he said, frowning.

_**Rather feel pain than nothing at all**_

Kenny looked at them for a second. "Right... Next person..."

_**Rather feel pain!**_

There was only one person left. _"Wendy."_


	4. Slipped Away

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **Okay, so this chapter took me a while. Sorry. First, I couldn't think of a good song. I swear it took so long to get this song. I looked EVERYWHERE for a perfect song. Involving a guy dying but the girl singing the song isn't in love with the guy that died. I have some to the conclusion that a song like that does not exist. At all. So this song was the best I could find.

So Wendy is narrating this one. I really have to find a place for Stan. Maybe next chapter he'll narrate. I don't know. I don't plan ahead. Ever, at all.

**Warning: **The reason this is rated "teen" is because of the swearing (not much in this chapter) and the suicide and stuff. Nothing too bad, but if you don't like swearing and suicide, then don't read this.

ANYWAY, if you're awesome, please review. This is my first story, so try not to kill me, okay?

_**--------------------------------------------------------**_

_**Na na, na na na, na na**_

__I inhaled sharply when I heard my name. I _had _been waiting for this. When I heard that Cartman had been in love with me, I really wanted to hear his last words to me. But now... I don't know. It just seems like I'm mostly to blame. I don't think that I really want to hear his own words tell me that.

_**I miss you, miss you so bad**_

__Kenny looked at me unsurely. God, there is nothing he can't sense. He knows _everything. _It's weird, really. He can always tell what mood anyone is in. A lot of the time, he seems to know why, too. No wonder everyone depends on him so much. But right now I don't _want _comfort or pity, and he's aggravating me. "Just read the damn thing, Ken," I say through clenched teeth.

_**I don't forget you, oh it's so sad**_

__He studied me for another moment. "Sure," he said gently. His blue eyes were soft and sweet, but there was no pity. Only honest understanding. He looked down at the paper.

_**I hope you can hear me**_

__"_Wendy... You kissed me once. And I never stopped feeling that sweet sensation on my lips after that. I just want you to know this: I love you twice as much as Stan ever did or ever will. Wendy, you're beautiful. You have that grace when you walk, you walk like you have a purpose. I saw you almost every day since you told me you had no feelings for me. And every single second I looked at you, all I felt was raw, painful love and pure agony. But I couldn't look away. You fascinate me, Wendy. And I only wish that I could've kissed you one more time. Because, although that kiss you gave me when we were kids lasted about 20 seconds, it was the best moment of my life. And I've wanted to relive it since it happened. I love you, Wendy. I wish you loved me back._"

_**I remember it clearly**_

__The room was completely and totally silent. Stan's eyes were wide with shock and guilt. Butters was obviously holding back tears. Kenny was looking at the paper in pure sadness, in a way that would break just about anyone's heart. Kyle was looking straight ahead of him. It would look like indifference if his eyes weren't wet. Everyone else was looking at the floor. Why did it seem like either everyone was holding their breath or the world had paused?

_**The day you slipped away**_

__Then my surprise wore off. I wish it hadn't, because once it had, I literally felt a sharp, piercing pain in my heart. I've never felt like this before, and it's not something I want to repeat. I couldn't even cry. I couldn't breathe. My world had stopped and my heart had broken.

_**Was the day I found it won't be the same**_

The room felt like it had gotten really hot and I started to feel weak. My vision was getting blurry and the room was spinning. I felt like I was about to faint.

_**Ooooh**_

__I closed my eyes and counted slowly to five. I took a deep breath, but I heard the shaking in the exhale. Of course, once I realized I could _breathe, _tears flowed endlessly down my cheeks. I choked on sobs. My eyeliner and my mascara were probably all over my face, but for once, I didn't really care how I looked. I definitely felt worse then I looked. At this rate, _I'd _be the next person the write a suicide letter, just from the unbearable guilt.

_**Na na na na na na na**_

__Stan put his arms around me. "It'll be okay, baby, it'll be okay," he murmured, rubbing my back comfortingly.

_**I didn't get around to kiss you**_

__Kenny put his hand on my shoulder. "It _isn't _your fault," he insisted.

_**Goodbye on the hand**_

__I pushed Stan away from me and punched Kenny's arm as hard as I could. He didn't react, so I guess it wasn't very hard. "It _is _my fault!" I cried.

_**I wish that I could see you again**_

__I collapsed onto the floor, in hysterics. Tears were streaming down my cheeks so quickly that my whole face was wet. I can't remember ever feeling as horrible as I do right now. I could hear my heart beating loudly, but I almost wish it wasn't beating at all.

_**I know that I can't**_

__"Just keep reading, Kenny, that probably isn't the end of the letter, right?" I said after about three minutes of trying to be calm.

_**Oooooh**_

__Kenny looked at me in astonishment. "Are you sure? I think you should get some fresh air or something, Wendy, you look really red."

_**I hope you can hear me 'cause I remember it clearly**_

__I fiercely glared at me. "I'm _fine!_" I snapped. "Read it."

_**The day you slipped away**_

__He shrugged. "If you say so. Let me know if you want me to stop, okay?"

_**Was the day I found it won't be the same**_

__I gave him a dark look. "I said I'm fine, Ken. Get on with it."

_**Ooooh**_

__Kenny's blue eyes were sympathetic. Why does he have to be so goddamn _nice _and _understanding_? "Sure, Wendy. But just don't try to be brave."

_**I had my wake up**_

__"_Just read the fucking suicide letter, Kenny, before I kill you,_" I hissed threateningly.

_**Won't you wake up**_

__He laughed softly. "Okay, here goes."

_**I keep asking why**_

__"_Now, is there anything left for me to say? I don't really think so, but this feels a little too short to be a suicide letter, don't you guys think?_"

_**And I can't take it**_

__"Might seem short to _him,_" Kyle muttered.

_**It wasn't fake**_

__"Yeah, it feels like it's been years since we started reading the letter," Craig added.

_**It happened, you passed by**_

__Kenny smiled before continuing. "_It's sad, really, to think that I'm here, writing this letter, pouring my heart out, about to commit suicide. Yet all of you will probably care for half a second and they say, "Wait a second- this is Cartman we're feeling bad for" and then you'll just get on with your lives. I wish I could've left a bigger mark before this. But I already bought the sleeping pills and wrote a really goddamn long letter, so I don't feel like delaying this more than I already have._"

_**Now you are gone, now you are gone**_

__Stan's mouth dropped. "These were seriously some of his last thoughts?"

_**There you go, there you go**_

__Butters burst into tears again. "He thought we wouldn't care!"

_**Somewhere I can't bring you back**_

__Token put his hand on Butters' shoulder. "Calm down, Butters."

_**Now you are gone, now you are gone**_

__Kenny looked at Butter' unsurely, but seemed to decide that he would just ignore it. "_Do any of you know how long I've been thinking about suicide? Probably not, no one ever noticed. I like to think I'm a good actor, but maybe it's just that no one payed enough attention to realize it. I've been thinking about suicide for about two years. Sad, right? Days and days went by in blurs, and I was just miserable._"

_**There you go, there you go,**_

A couple people opened their mouths to say something. Kenny ignored it. "_You know, I woke up this morning, and I thought for a second. "That's it. I'm done with this, I'm done here. There's nothing left for me, I might as well go."_

_**Somewhere your not coming back**_

__"_For about a second, I thought about running away instead of dying. But then I realized it would be too easy to force me to come back, and that would mean I wasn't really escaping at all, right? Of course, I was probably being a little full of myself. After all, who would go looking for Eric Cartman anyway?_"

_**The day you slipped away**_

__"He had no idea," Kenny sighed. "Why did have to be such an _idiot_? Geez."

_**Was the day I found it won't be the same, no..**_

__Craig and Clyde looked at each other, then at the floor.

_**The day you slipped away**_

__Kyle looked up at Kenny. "Let's get this over with. It's almost over, right?"

_**Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...**_

__The messy-haired blond nodded. "Just a bit more to go..." He looked at the paper.

_**Na na, na na na, na na**_

__"_Damn, that thought makes me so depressed. Not only was I hated, ignored, fought with, and a bunch of other things, but also, I can't even be remembered. I'm not _worth _remembering. And that just... hurts._"

_**I miss you**_

__I looked over at the letter and realized there were tear marks on those few sentences. Sympathy for Cartman washed through my heart and I felt like hugging him. But he's dead, so I can never try to comfort him, ever.


	5. How To Save a Life

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **This song is- obviously- How to Save a Life. Told by Stan. I guess this is the last chapter. I_ might _do an epilogue. If I can figure out what to do. Maybe I could write Cartman's funeral or something emo like that.

Well, I hope you like it. If you don't, well, sorry. I'll try to do better next story. Which I am already writing.

**Warning:** The reason this is rated "teen" is because of the swearing and the suicide and stuff. Nothing too bad, but if you don't like swearing and suicide, then don't read this.

ANYWAY, if you're awesome, please review. This is my first story, so try not to kill me, okay?

--------------------------------------------------------

_**Step one you say we need to talk**_

__My heart pounded in my chest. The look in Kenny's eyes alone almost made me burst out in tears. How his eyes could show such heartbreaking, pure sorrow, I didn't know. I glanced at Kyle, who was doing a very good job of hiding his emotions.

_**He walks you say sit down it's just a talk**_

__"Kenny, will you stop with the random pausing? It's like you _want _us all to burst into tears," Kyle grumbled, running his pale hands through his hair.

_**He smiles politely back at you**_

__Kenny nodded. "_Well, bye everyone. Stan, Kyle, don't lose your friendship. It's too rare and too precious, so hold onto it with your goddamn lives, okay?_"

_**You stare politely right on through**_

__I looked at Kyle and gave him a half-smile. He laughed. "Well, since Cartman said so, Stan, I guess we have to."

_**Some sort of window to your right**_

__I chuckled and gave him a short hug.

_**As he goes left and you stay right**_

__Kenny grinned and went on. "_Damien, don't kill Pip by accident, and Pip, appreciate Damien more._"

_**Between the lines of fear and blame**_

__Damien, who had been leaning against the wall not doing anything, raised his eyebrows. Pip just smiled.

_**And you begin to wonder why you came**_

__"_Timmy, Jimmy, don't accidently join a gang again. Although that was kind of funny._"

_**Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend**_

__Timmy and Jimmy laughed at the memory.

_**Somewhere along in the bitterness**_

__"_Token, realize more often how lucky you are to have a friend like Butters. Butters, take Mr. Kitty for me._"

_**And would I have stayed up with you all night**_

__Butters looked touched. "He-he's giving me his cat?"

_**Had I known how to save a life**_

__Kenny shrugged. "I guess so, Butters."

_**Let him know that you know best**_

__Butters' bright blue eyes widened. "I'll take good care of his kitty."

_**Cause after all you do know best**_

__Kenny gave a really small smile. "_Kenny, depend on other people more, you have too much fucking pride._"

_**Try to slip past his defense**_

__I smiled. "I second that, Ken."

_**Without granting innocence**_

__"I'd drink to that," Kyle laughed.

_**Lay down a list of what is wrong**_

__Kenny shook his head and smiled. "If I depended on you, who would you depend on?"

_**The things you've told him all along**_

__Kyle and I looked at each other briefly. "Um..."

_**And I pray to God he hears you**_

__"My point," Kenny replied. "Okay, back to the letter, we're almost done. _Tweek, stop depending on Kenny so much, try to stand on your own._"

_**And I pray to God he hears you**_

__Tweek twitched nervously and looked at his feet. He didn't say anything.

_**Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend**_

__"Tweek, I've never minded you depending on me," Kenny said softly. Tweek didn't react. "_Craig, Clyde, stop getting in so many fights at school, you _will _get expelled._"

_**Somewhere along in the bitterness**_

__Craig and Clyde both laughed. "That's the idea," Craig simpered.

_**And would I have stayed up with you all night**_

__Kenny smiled. "_And, all of you, it's senior year, so... You guys might lose touch next year. Just... try not too, okay? For me? For the fact that I've lived here all my life and no on ever really got to know me at all?_"

_**Had I known how to save a life**_

__I glanced at Wendy, who was looking at the floor. I resisted the urge to hug and kiss her comfortingly. She didn't seem to want any consoling, and I didn't want her to get mad at me or anything.

_**As he begins to raise his voice**_

__"_Bye, everyone. Don't follow me, and don't forget me... __Eric Cartman._"

_**You lower yours and grant him one last choice**_

__I know pretty much everyone wanted to finish reading this, including me- but now... I don't know. I guess it feels more official now. More real. None of us will ever hear from Eric Cartman again. His last words have been read. Now that we finally got to the end of the letter... I guess I wish it was longer.

_**Drive until you lose the road**_

__The principal looked up from her desk. "You may all go back to class now," she said softly.

_**Or break with the ones you've followed**_

__No one moved for a few seconds. Then both Tweek and Wendy shot out the door, making a few people jump. Kyle then got up slowly and left. Kenny and I followed him.

_**He will do one of two things**_

__I looked at my feet. I thought about the part of the letter that was for me. _You, of course, haven't realized that you haven't actually spoken a word to me since freshman year. But I realize that. And I hope to GOD you regret that. _I really, really regret not talking to him. It's at times like these I wish the weird things that happened when we were kids would start happening again.

_**You will admit to everything**_

__Normally, I'm really happy that there are no more aliens, Kenny doesn't die anymore, and the town isn't constantly in a lot of danger. But if this had happened back then, either we would've been able to go back in time, or Damien would do some crazy voodoo to being him back, or Cartman would just come back like Kenny used to.

_**Or he'll say he's just not the same**_

__Those things just don't happen anymore though. So I _know _it's impossible for Cartman to come back. Really, though, I wish I could just tell him that I'm sorry. And if I'd known that he was so miserable, I would've tried to do something about it.

_**And you'll begin to wonder why you came**_

__Kyle glanced at me, probably knowing what I was thinking. He can normally figure out almost exactly what my thoughts are. "You know, Stan, there wouldn't be a point in bringing him back. He _wanted _to die."

_**Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend**_

__I didn't respond.

_**Somewhere along in the bitterness**_

__Kenny looked at the door to the classroom. "We should really just go in."

_**And would I have stayed up with you all night**_

__We all took our normal seats, all looking at the ground. The teacher looked at us all briefly before continuing with her lesson. A few students glanced at us, too. Heidi leaned over to me. "So, Stan, what did the principal want?"

_**Had I known how to save a life**_

__I opened my mouth to respond, but just then, the principal came in the room. "Okay, um, we have some sad news... Your classmate, Eric Cartman, was found dead. He took his own life. We thought you all should know."

_**How to save a life**_

__The class became eerily silent. Everyone's expressions were almost the same. Mostly shock, a little sadness, and regret. I closed my eyes and sighed. A few tears squeezed through my eyelashes and streaked down my cheeks. However, I wasn't the only one.

_**How to save a life**_

__I opened my eyes and saw that no one's eyes were dry. Eric Cartman will never know just how wrong he was. He said in his letter that he wouldn't be remembered, that he didn't leave a mark, that no one would care. If only we realized he was suffering and we'd all lose him. If only we ever told him that we cared. I guess you just don't know what you got until it's gone, right?


	6. Epilogue Fire and Rain

**Random and slightly pointless introduction: **Well, a few people wanted an epilogue, so here you go. It's not exactly a _real _epilogue, considering only part of it actually happens after the story. On that note, the italics are random memories that drive Cartman to suicide. I want to explain that first memory: Eric was trying to tell Kenny that he had been thinking of suicide and was depressed. But then he realized that Kenny probably would't care or try to help him anyway so he decides against it.

And I love this song. Just saying. I listened to it the whole time while writing this.

**Warning: **The reason this is rated "teen" is because of the swearing and the suicide and stuff. Nothing too bad, but if you don't like swearing and suicide, then don't read this.

ANYWAY, if you're awesome, please review. This is my first story, so try not to kill me, okay?

_**--------------------------------------------------------**_

_**Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone **_

___Cartman and I leaned against the wall behind the middle school. In a week, we were going to graduate and move on the high school. Cartman looked over at me. "Um, Kenny?" he said slowly._

_I glanced at him. "What do you want, Cartman?" I sighed. _

_He flinched. I didn't think much of it. "Uh... I was just..." he paused. "Never mind," he said very quietly. It seemed like something was wrong but I ignored it. _

_**Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you **_

___I threw the basketball into the net, first try. I was only in seventh grade, and I was pretty good already. Better than some of the freshmen even. I passed the ball to Cartman. This might've been the only time we hung out, just me and him. _

_He concentrated on the net and threw the ball, but missed. I snickered. "Great throw, fatass. Maybe if your mom wasn't such a whore, she'd teach you to get the ball closer than five feet away."_

_His shoulders dropped. He almost looked hurt. It sounded like he muttered "thanks a lot, Kyle" but I couldn't tell. Besides, what did I care if he was hurt or not?_

_**I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song **_

___It was Friday night, and 11-year-old Cartman sat at the table. I put his plate full of food in front of him and started to walk away._

_"Mom?" he said hesitantly. _

_"Yes?" I responded, getting my coat and not turning around._

_"Could you maybe stay and eat dinner with me tonight?" he said, his voice pleading. I glanced back at him. He looked hopeful. I _could _stay and eat dinner with him, but I'd definitely rather go to the bar and talk to my friends. _

_"Sorry, sweetie, I can't," I responded. I walked out the door without looking back at him._

_**I just can't remember who to send it to **_

___I put my arm around Wendy. It was freshman year, and this was probably the first time she ever hung out with me and my friends. I noticed Kenny wink at me and Kyle smile. But then I noticed something weird. Cartman kept on glancing up at me and her, but with complete sadness written in his eyes. He was either looking at us or the ground. _

_We were all going to go watch a few DVDs at Token's house, but Cartman didn't come. He just walked into his house when we passed it on the way. He didn't even say bye or find an excuse not to come. He just walked away. No one really noticed, though. He never joined the conversations anyway. _

_**I've seen fire and I've seen rain **_

___It was Sunday morning. I walked downstairs for breakfast and Cartman, who was in fifth grade, looked up, excited. "Mom! Mom! Could we go to the zoo today?"_

_"No, honey, I need to go to Denver," I responded, making myself an expresso._

_"What- you finished sleeping with everyone in South Park?" Eric snorted. _

_I ignored that comment, especially since it was partially true. "Can't you go to the zoo with your little friends? Why do you want to go to the zoo anyway?"_

_"Mom, do you know what today is?" he said, his voice small and sad._

_"No, what is today? Did the zoo get a new animal or something?"_

_He looked down and got up from his seat. "Today is my eleventh birthday." He walked upstairs, his footsteps soft. That was the last year he tried to do anything for his birthday._

_**I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end **_

___I sat at my piano bench and started to play. I only played for about thirty seconds when the doorbell rang. I went to answer it, surprised when Cartman was at the door. "Hi."_

_"H-hey Wendy... Um, you know how yesterday... you kissed me... and then said that your feelings for me were gone...?" he said unsurely, looking down as he fiddled with his hands._

_"Yeah... what about it?" I responded slowly._

_"Well... I just wanted to know... Are your feelings _really _gone?" He glanced up at me, but only for a second before looking back down._

_"Yes," I replied honestly. _

_His hands dropped and he looked up. I thought I saw a glint of sadness, but in a heartbeat, the emotions in his eyes were clouded. "Oh- well, good, 'cause I don't want one of my best friends' girlfriend to like me." He left really fast._

_**I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend **_

___The phone rang and I fumbled to get it. "Hey," I said, answering it. _

_"Hey, Kenny..." replied Cartman's distinctive voice._

_"What's up?" I said, not really paying much attention to the phone anyway._

_"Um, do you wanna hang out today?" he said slowly. I thought it was weird that he'd want to hang out. We hadn't spent any time together since two years ago, in eighth grade._

_"Can't," I lied. "I'm gonna go to Denver with Tweek."_

_"Oh..." he sighed heavily, sounding very disappointed. "Okay. See you Monday then."_

_**----------------------**_

_**But I always thought that I'd see you again **_

__"Eric! Time to get up for school!" I shouted. No answer. "Eric! You're gonna be late!"

_**Won't you look down upon me, Jesus **_

__I got annoyed when he didn't respond a second time. I walked to his door and knocked on it. Again, no answer. "Eric, you _have _to get up! You can't skip school again!"

_**You've got to help me make a stand **_

__I threw the door open and gasped. His desk light was on and he was lying on the ground. I leaned down to shake him awake. My hand recoiled quickly. His skin was ice-cold. "E-Eric?" Then I noticed the small, plastic container on his desk. I picked it up slowly. It was empty, and it said "sleeping pills" on the label. My eyes got big.

_**You've just got to see me through another day**_

__But then it just got worse. I saw a letter_. The_ letter. I picked it up slowly. It was in my son's handwriting. I dropped it before I got through the second paragraph. I leaned back down and put two fingers on my son's neck. He didn't have a pulse. He was dead. And he had taken his own life.

_**My body's aching and my time is at hand **_

__I closed my eyes. It sort of surprised me there were no tears. I picked up the letter again. Then I saw that I was first on the list of people he blamed. I felt nauseous as I kept reading.

_**And I won't make it any other way **_

___Mom. Yeah, you're one of those that drove me to this. You never cared at all, did you? You just knocked some random girl up and then got stuck with me, right? Why couldn't you have let her take custody, if she wanted it? I don't care if it was Kyle's bitch of a mom, it would've been better than you! Do you know why? Because Kyle's mom didn't miss our elementary and middle school graduations, even though they were pointless and stupid. She took pictures. Even Kenny's parents, who are alcoholics and hardly knew what grade he was in, came. But you were off screwing everything that stayed still long enough. You didn't really care about me. You felt obligated to fake it. So, bye, mom. I just wonder if you'll miss me. _

_**Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain **_

__I put a hand on my mouth and openly sobbed. The worst part about it was that he was right. I _did _feel obligated to fake it. I cared about him, but not as much as I should have. I couldn't even say that he was wrong, that I loved him, that I would've come to his graduations if I could have. I'm not even feeling complete sadness. I have more feelings of guilt than anything else. And I can't say that I'll try to be a better person, because I know I won't. I wish for Cartman's own sake that I gave him to his mother.

_**----------------------**_

_**I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end **_

__Everyone was dressed in black. The coffin was shiny and brown. Closed, too, thank God, or I'm sure everyone would have breakdowns. The priest stood by the framed picture of Cartman, talking about something that no one was listening to. Once he finished he asked if anyone wanted to say anything about Eric.

_**I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend **_

__I almost cried when no one- not even Cartman's own mom- got up to say something. What if he was right in his letter? What if he _didn't_ make a mark on anyone's life? Everyone had been saying how wrong his letter was, and how he should have just tried to talk to _them _about his problems. But honestly, if he was alive, would we listen to anything he had to say? We obviously didn't when he _was _alive.

_**But I always thought that I'd see you again **_

__I don't want to think that Eric Cartman won't be remembered in five or ten years. I really want him to be remembered. He deserves that much for everything he went through. But something tells me that even me and Kenny, who he considered his best friends for some reason or another, will remember him as- if we even remember him at all- that one guy that committed suicide senior year.

----------------------

_**Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun **_

__The coffin was lowered into the ground slowly and everyone watched it go. That was it. The last time we'd ever physically have Eric Cartman near us. After this, he'd really be _gone. _Hard to imagine, really. Even though he hadn't talked much or interacted with any of us much the past few years, he was _there. _His _presence _was felt. We knew he was there. But now... it'll feel empty, unfinished. That I know.

_**Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around **_

__This is beside the fact that he and I were never on very good terms. All through our childhood, we fought and fought and fought. But that doesn't mean we wouldn't miss each other if we left. I remember one time I moved to San Fransisco and there was a huge storm. I half-expected Stan to come save me, but it was _Cartman _who came. He never realized that I knew it was him, though, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It was too much fun to fight with him and annoy him and be annoyed by him.

_**Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come **_

__Another time that I'll remember is one time I didn't invite him to my birthday party. He really really really wanted to go. He kidnapped Butters, he begged, and so much more. But the thing I remember the most is when he said something along the lines of, "We've been through a lot together, and maybe that alone doesn't make us friends, but it makes us something." I don't what he meant by that, but I _did _honestly consider him a friend.

----------------------

_**Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground **_

__I can't imagine how he felt. I just don't understand how he could've felt that bad. I'm trying to imagine how he could've been driven to think that the only way out was to die. I _want _to know exactly how he felt. I _want _to understand, I _want _to go through what he went through. I'm not sure why- maybe to punish myself. But I just wish I could know how he felt.

_**Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain **_

__Was he _scared _when he went up to the drugstore and bought the sleeping pills? Was he nervous when he swallowed them? I wonder... what if he was just about to die, and the last thing he felt was regret? That would have been _awful. _I mean- what if you were committing suicide, and then at the last minute you thought "I wish I could've just seen all of their faces, just one last time."

_**I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end **_

__And how are any of _us _going to be able to live with ourselves? Since we know that it's all our fault, and that we could have prevented his death, how are we going to go on living without having the guilt eat us alive? Already, I feel agony whenever I think about it.

_**I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend **_

__I wonder... did he think of me while he was dying? I wonder if he thought of one last thing to say to me. Now that I think about it, I wonder why he never told _me _that he had feelings for me. Who knows, maybe I could've grown to love him.

_**But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now **_

__I've never really believed in heaven, but now I hope with all my heart that it exists, and that Cartman is there right now. I know that suicide is said to send you to hell, but... I just really hope they'd make an exception for Cartman.

----------------------

_**Thought I'd see you one more time again **_

__I wish someone would tell me why he isn't like I used to be. I used to come back from the dead every time I'd die. Hell, why doesn't he do that? I can imagine how _relieved_ everyone would be. _Relieved. _That makes me _sick. _The only reason these people are here, mourning, is because of their horrible _guilt. _They'll wallow in their own self-pity for a week or two, until they decide that Eric Cartman isn't worth their pain. But _not me. _I'll swear to anything you want me to. I _will _remember Eric, and I _won't _just remember him to soften my guilt. That's a promise. And Kenny McCormick does _not _break promises.

----------------------

_**There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now **_

__If I could say one last thing to Eric, I would tell him that I'm sorry. I can't deny that I had anything to do with his death, but I just wish I could apologize. It's going to kill me that I can't tell him how sorry I am about ignoring him. He doesn't have to forgive me or anything, I just want him to know that I'm really, really sorry.

_**Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now **_

__So, Eric, if you're out there and can hear me, I want you to know that, had I known, I would have tried to help. I'm sorry I didn't notice you were suffering. I wish I had. I promise you, I'm not saying that to ease my guilt, I'm saying it so you _know _that I cared. In your letter, you said that I didn't care. I swear, Cartman, I cared. I wish I could rewind time so I could tell you that.


End file.
